Friday, 30 December 2011

Oh Crapmus Tree, Oh Crapmus Tree, How Crackers Are Your Branches

So, I'm staying with my parents in Sydney looking after the house of some apparent heathen who have NO Christmas decorations to speak of in any nook or cranny of their house. We decided not to buy a Christmas tree as there was nothing to hang on it but that didn't mean that was to be no physical representation of yuletide in the house at all. Oh no. I went Blue Peter on Christmas's ass and created this:

That's so freaking professional, I hear you gasp.

For the dangling Santa in a truck, I cut up Christmas cards and attached them with string to a cardboard tube extending from an armoire, held in place by a box of rocks:

And for the, um, the traditional angel centrepiece I used an African souvenir found in the downstairs bathroom and shoved decorative crackers on her arms.

But wait, what of those delightful snowflakes used to such flabbergasting 3D effect in the background and on the angel centrepiece's headpiece? What - those old things? Well, I cut them from the plastic bag which I used to carry the fags and CK One I bought in the airport, and sellotaped them to the wall. So, who says you can't do Christmas on the cheap? I don't know who actually does say that but for the purposes of wrapping this post up and not having to mention Christmas for another year, someone does. And verily in their faces. Also, of course I didn't buy CK One at the airport, damn your eyes if you thought I did. 

Gif link

Who Lives in a House Like This?

Why, Al Capone of course. This awesome cell was his residence for 9 months in the Eastern State Penitentiary on gun charges. You can call me Al was given special treatment by the guards - he hung paintings and listened to waltzes on the radio after dinner. I know interior desecrators who would massacre for that fabulous dungeon-effect wallpaper.

Image by Mike Graham

Friday, 23 December 2011

Coal? Get f**ked. #8 Fruity Ties Edition

I bought a lot of socks for presents this Christmas. I don't know why there's a thing about socks at Christmas; they're fugging useful. I never have any. I WISH someone would buy me socks for Christmas (as long as 1-7 on the Christmas Brat List are ticked off first). but perhaps I missed a trick with another unimaginative but often classic classic to give - the tie, these Libertyesque ones from Good Heavens are damned delightful. 


(not especially) Festive Friday Links

HA! (wait for it...)
via @copyranter

Day time fireworks - so cool I might explode.
via @harrygayner

It's Christmas, you're on the London Underground, so... drunk Santa helping another drunk Santa puke into a Santa hat? Of course. link
via @hugorifkind

I love the smell of Bacon in the morning. link
via @awoooooga

Bah humbuggery. link

This made me laugh a lot - a moderator at Virgin Media made everything seem a lot more porny than it actually was with overzealous asterixing. I spotted HanC**klink and the papers clocked Charles D**kens and A**enal link

Stunt Cat. link
via @dysonology

Piglet in wellies. STOP. IT. link
via @ciaobella50

Nice try piglet in wellies, you just got trumped by slow-mo labrador puppies. link
via @b3ta_links

The Sartorialist in 15 words. link
via @theadrianflores

Anyone remotely interested in the year that was in the world of meeeeedja/ tech/ adland needs to read the Contagious round up. link

Self-consciously kooky model Agyness Deyn has put her NYC loft up for sale. I would like to requisition it for the purposes of being a self-consciously nightmarish old lady in. link

I watched a lot of The Only Way is Essex but never did I notice the undertones of adoration and respect for Kim Jong-il from Mark's sister Jess. link

Tumblr of the week goes to:

So, an Amish girl was allegedly killed by a bullet fired nearly a mile away by a man cleaning his gun. Sounds pretty unlikely. link But, it got me to thinking that maybe I was a just a painfully neurotic horse-faced ill-representation of single women in New York. No, it got me to thinking about the bullets they fire into the air in celebration in Arab countries - you see it a fair bit on the news. I'd always wondered what the fallout of hundreds of bullets being fired skywards was, they never tell you and you don't see people collapsing in a bloodied heap moments later - but that's apparently what regularly happens with the "joy bullets" - read more here.

Cat with a penis on its face (sfw) link
via @copyranter

Marie Antoinette action figure - with ejector head! Sold. link
via Who Killed Bambi?

Goat Cleaning Rainbow Duster. link

New London double deckers are pretty darn cool. link

Please excuse the fishy smell. (sfw and delightful) link
via @olivia_solon

Cracking venn diagram explaining one of nature's greatest mysteries. link
via @tomagotchi

Who needs a fat friend at the beach when you can go slimming, I mean swimming with manatees? link

Jimmy Kimmel is an increasingly evil genius, at Halloween he asked parents to film them telling their kids that they'd eaten their candy. Now he's done it again with parents filming giving their kids an early and extremely crappy Christmas present. Tears and tantrums ahoy:

Mad fighting skillz pretty much akin to my own:
Thanks Cappy

A creepy but effective cat nanny:

A Drunk History Christmas Special. Go look up the other Drunk Histories they are fucking brilliant.
Thanks Em.

This is an extraordinary Soviet dance via Robert Popper who advises you wait to the end to get the full scale of the creepiness.

And a Happy Krampus to you all. x

A Terry Christmas to you all

Truly awesome Christmas card from Terry Gilliam:

via Who Killed Bambi?

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Coal? Get f**ked. #7 Naked Boardgame Edition

The love interest and I play a lot of backgammon, we go through cycles of thrashing each other but I think this splendiferous nude board by Alexandra Llewellyn would give me the advantage of distraction and he'd possibly never win again. 

£1,800 - worth it considering what you'd win back with the doubling dice. 

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Coal? Get f**ked. #6 Theo Fennell edition

I wrote about seeing Theo Fennell's Elizabeth I skull brooch at the Masterpiece exhibit back in July but my photo was not quite up to professional standards, so here she is in all her glory, along with Sitting Bull; they're part of Fennell's aptly named Masterworks collection and Marie Antoinette is apparently underway. 

See also - Fennell's wonderful Igloo ring (complete with penguin), all too deserving of a spot on the Christmas Brat List.

Theo Fennell

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Coal? Get f**ked. #5 Killer Brolly Edition

I tend to walk with a slightly more violent spring in my step when I've got an umbrella in hand, safe in the knowledge that despite my weak lady-wrists I could probably cave any would-be attacker's nose / face in with my brolly. This Umbuster by Sruli Recht would add that perfect knuckle duster touch of authenticity which has been lacking in my so far unconvincing thug repertoire, so it wins a place on the Christmas Brat List.

See also, Samurai Umbrellas

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Monday, 19 December 2011

Coal? Get f**ked. #4. Norovirus Terror Edition.

You know who's getting coal this year? Anyone with Norovirus who passes it on to me before my 22 hour journey to Sydney this evening. I have already scorned someone in the office into going home for looking suspiciously wan. There is no known cure for Norovirus, you just have to 'ride it out'. How do you 'ride out' projectile vomiting like Regan from The Exorcist and shitting like a baby in fugging economy?  I pretty much feel like I am in a budget version of Contagion at the moment. Never watched that btw, assuming it all ended well and no one died. 

Plus I am flying Asiana - a South Korean airline and Kim Jong I never knew he was Il has just popped his fugging clogs. Likely to be succeeded by his lunatic son whose first action will be to nuke my plane. If I make it through my 5 hours stopover in Seoul without serious mishap then perhaps I will live to wellity another day. Otherwise, it's been nice not really knowing who you are. 

Christmas Brat List

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Thursday, 15 December 2011

Coal? Get f**ked. #3 Killer Whale Edition

In the run up to the Christmas Brat List time of year I tend to send a lot of links to my love interest pointing him firmly in the direction of gifts wot I want. But sometimes you tire of a heavy hinting campaign and it's nice to expect a certain amount of mind-reading. My mind currently reads thusly: "I would like a fucking awesome speedboat shaped like a killer whale for Christmas." Which, it turns out, is not so much to ask.

By Seabreacher

Thank you Megahunk.

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Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Coal? Get f**ked. #2 Yodorable Edition

Here at the Christmas Brat List I don't care too much about Star Wars but this knitted Yoda is frigging adorable and I've fallen for it. Get it in my stocking - it's especially heartfelt as you have to knit it yourself. 

Via Etsy

Christmas Brat List

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Monday, 12 December 2011

Music Monday Animals

Hai Hai. Here's Animals by Minilogue with a wonderful video by Kristofer Ström. I have to return to getting my gaddamn Christmas shopping finished and having a minor breakdown about moving out of my flat whilst I'm not actually in the country. BYEEE.  

Minilogue - Animals from ljudbilden on Vimeo.

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Friday, 9 December 2011


This week's links will be presented to you in SHOUTY HEADLINE CATEGORIES:

  • Extremely tasteless campaign sends a gamer to Iraq to demonstrate gamer headset. Some people should be shot for this. link  Via @benkaywriter
  • The Santa Brand Book. Brilliant. link
  • That Halfords ad which probably annoyed the hell out of you, now with an alternate ending. link  Via @on_re
  • A more realistic take on the Harvey Nicolls Walk of Shame ad. link
  • "I'm a lawyer. I'm on a billboard" - You're hired. link via @copyranter

  • You know how we have some scuzzy junkie tramps hanging out at the St Paul's Occupy? Well in Melbourne they have TENT MONSTERS! link
  • News lady tries to ignore sartorial clusterfuck hobo at Occupy LA. link thanks Tibbo

BRUCE WILLIS! (and Tom Cruise. Sigh.)
  • Bruce Willis - Smooth Operator and Booze Innovator. link
  • Tiny Tom atop a Tower via @tremulantdesign who rightly commented "Not windy enough," link
  • No shame in that: "fans" given money and free lunch to cheer Tiny Tom on his arrival in India. link via @margheritamvs

  • Goddamm those pesky kids and their vodka tampons. link
  • Um, Mike Tyson lisps his way through The Girl From Ipanema on Brazillian telly. Just, no. link

  • Procatinator = cat gif + music. link
  • Cat responds to news about Tom Cruises' paid fans in India. link


Penis papers (sfw) link

This made me weep with joy:
via @chrisjvernon

Compressed Air Guitar Hero... yes sir.
Via @awoooooga 

Yessss also to the whisssstling mullet.
also via @awoooooga

Wonderful inevitability here. via @dysonology

and lastly, lest someone should neglect to pay attention to her: NIKKI MINAJ!
(thanks Shetty)

Happy Friday all.

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Thursday, 8 December 2011

Coal? Get f**ked. #1

I would like this Moschino snowman jumper. I can just hear him yelling, "Arg, fuck you. Get off my lawn." and it makes me want him.

Damage? A motherfreaking snip at $875

via Net-a-Porter


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Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Light Emitting Architechture

Organic Culture is a warehouse lightshow by Visual System and it looks goddamn beautiful (as long as you can ignore the fact that people would have wandered around at the opening night wanging on about what a fabulous ssssspace it was, which I think you can).

Visual System are extremely French and they make light fantastic all over the world, go check out their site. I want them to redecorate my nights.


All images courtesy of Visual System

Via The Creator's Project

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Monday, 5 December 2011

Me In You

Me In You by Kings Of Convenience. Laaavely song, laaaaavely video.

n.b - unlikely to get much posting done this week. Sorry for that.

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Friday, 2 December 2011

Repeat After Me:

Now for a lesson in fashionwang pronunciation. Pay attention.

Let's start with "Versace". I'll go first:

Your turn:

MY EARS! Let's try "Hermes":

Your turn:

Foul. Why don't you try "L'Occitane" by yourself?

I give up. Back to your anti-fashion cave you polyester-clad troglodyte.

via The Daily Rubbish

See also - Tracy Goodwin: the greatest British accent tutor EVER. link
Comprehensible nonsense. link

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Thursday, 1 December 2011

The Beauty of a Second

Beautiful project by Mont Blanc:

"To honour Nicolas Rieussac's invention of the chronograph - he recorded time to a fifth of a second in 1821 - Mont Blanc has challenged image makers to capture beauty in a single second of a film.
Participants choose their favourite 60, each of which becomes part of a short film and qualifies to be chosen as the single best one-second video by director Wim Wenders." (Edward Boches)

It's worked wonderfully. Take a look:

Seconds Of Beauty - 1st round compilation from The Beauty Of A Second on Vimeo.

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